Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The change was made uptown and the Big Man (and his scrawny buddy) joined the band

Hello there, boys. Lookin' good in those pinstripes.

As is evident from the picture, CC and A.J. had their big press conference at the (old, *sniff*) Stadium today.  Both said all the right things, and Burnett has begun the process of winning me over by being frank about his history of injuries and getting in a dig at former teammate Carl Pavano. Hey, someone's gotta say it now that Moose is.... aw, that makes me sad to write.

Anyway, neither guy has managed to get hurt or attack a cameraman yet. So far so good. 

And now that this is all official, I have to ask, can we show a little love to Chien-Ming Wang? With all the talk of the "1-2 punch" that Sabathia and Burnett comprise, have we already relegated Wang to the number three starter in the rotation? Certainly some consideration has to be given to making him number two, no?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Brian Cashman knows something I don't.

Brian Cashman knows something I don't. Brian Cashman knows something I don't. Brian Cashman knows something I don't.

That's what I'm going to keep telling myself. Because I can't find a reason otherwise for him to offer a mammoth 5 year/$82.5 million contract to injury-prone A.J. Burnett. High risk, high reward? We can only hope. The last thing we need is Carl Pavano 2.0. But I'm afraid that's what we got.

Dammit, I miss Mike Mussina already.

Facebook's ads need some work

Ads I saw while looking at my FB profile yesterday:
So not only am I being advertised dating services for two religions - neither of which I have any interest in - but I'm being baited with THE SAME GUY. It seems that even the religious types will lie to get into your pants.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Things that make me want to punch people

  1. The fact that Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez is headed to the Mets and his jackass celebration every time he notches a save is now going to be on the New York nightly news more frequently than when the Yankees play the Angels.
  2. The Yankees apparent continued pursuit of A.J. Burnett. Pavano 2.0, guys. Pavano 2.0.

Monday, December 08, 2008

"Hey, we got Cy Young winners over here!"

Greg Maddux announced his retirement today, which a friend and I agreed makes us feel old. Congrats to him on an incredible career, and like Mussina, it's good to see him go out on his own terms.* It also gives me an excuse to post this old-school Nike commercial which I always found amusing.

Does Nike even make commercials like this anymore? Ah well. See ya in Cooperstown, Mad Dog.

*Speaking of which, having the two of them on the same HOF ballot makes Moose a lot less likely to get in on his first shot.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Baby, you're my lucky day

I'm seriously in love with the latest track released from Bruce's upcoming album, My Lucky Day. I had a credit for Amazon's MP3 store, so the fact that it was free made it even better.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year, I'm thankful for friends, family and a job. Also for Jason Giambi's mustache, Bruce Springsteen's increased musical output of late, Moose's 20 win season, frozen potstickers, Chuck, beating the boys at Guitar Hero and the bourbon-spiked pumpkin cheesecake currently sitting in the fridge.

Enjoy your turkey today! 

Monday, November 24, 2008

How not to win customers

I don't understand how ANY company can see Frank Caliendo - of the unceasing ads for his incredibly unfunny show FrankTV - and think, "Hey, people don't see enough of this dude and he'll TOTALLY help sell our product."

Even if DirecTV wasn't superbly inferior to cable, the fact that they put him in their commercials would be reason enough for me never to switch.

The gift of not being digested by a bear

Truly, Stephen Colbert, your Christmas special is the greatest gift of all. And perhaps if you made out with Jon Stewart under the mistletoe it would've been even greater, were that even possible.

Also, I heart Elvis Costello. Seriously.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Call off the Moose hunt

Above: A mother-effing collector's item

Well, we knew it was coming but that doesn't make it any less disappointing. Mike Mussina has officially retired, and damn if he didn't go out as high as he could (personally, anyway). Thanks for everything, Moose. The Yankee clubhouse will be a much less sarcastic place without you, and your awesome shirts from 80s Tees will be missed.

Monday, November 17, 2008

It's official

From BruceSpringsteen.net:

Bruce Springsteen's new album "Working on a Dream" has been set for a January 27 release on Columbia Records. "Working on a Dream" was recorded with the E Street Band and features twelve new Springsteen compositions plus two bonus tracks. It is the fourth collaboration between Springsteen and Brendan O'Brien, who produced and mixed the album.

"Working on a Dream" Song Titles:

1. Outlaw Pete
2. My Lucky Day
3. Working on a Dream
4. Queen of the Supermarket
5. What Love Can Do
6. This Life
7. Good Eye
8. Tomorrow Never Knows
9. Life Itself
10. Kingdom of Days
11. Surprise, Surprise
12. The Last Carnival

Bonus tracks:
The Wrestler
A Night with the Jersey Devil

Ohhhhhh yeah.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Note to Self

Black and red plaid Chucks are NOT broken in enough to comfortably make the trek to the Daily Show's studios out in the middle of nowhere on the West Side.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Do NOT pass go

Monopoly the movie? Been there, done that, won me a spot in the Film Production I end-of-the-year showcase in '05. I want royalties, Ridley Scott!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in

Alone II: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo


Friday, November 07, 2008

Nerd Alert!

Pop quiz, hotshot. I am:

A. Kind of awesome
B. Kind of a nerd
C. So happy that I have a job that's starting soon that I've been delving into the world of random crafts I would otherwise have no interest in
D. All of the above

Obviously, D, which is why I've been working on this. It would probably be done by now if I hadn't run out of black thread.

Also, Mike Mussina nabbed a Gold Glove today. That looks to be the sum total of offseason prizes the Yankees are going to score, unless you count CC Sabathia and Mark Texeiera...

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Hi ho, Kermit the Jack-o-Lantern here!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

MVP indeed...

Congrats to the Phillies on finally getting that championship drought monkey off their city's back. And congrats to Cole Hamels for being a stud in more than one sense of the word...

Well, at least it's not Scientology

Derek Jeter has mastered the art of talking without ever actually saying anything, as evidenced by this recent interview on SI.com. Even so, he still manages to get in an amusing quip here and there:

SI.com: Before we wrap up, as a Yankees fan, can I make one request of you this offseason?
Jeter: OK.
SI.com: Can you promise me and all Yankees fans that you won't start studying Kabbalah?
Jeter: (Laughing) Don't start with me about Kabbalah. I went to Catholic school.

If this were that SNL sketch with Seth Myers and Alec Baldwin slinging insults at each other, Derek would turn to A-Rod and go, "Ooooh ya BUUUUUURRRRRRRRRN!" Then A-Rod would start crying.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Friday, October 24, 2008

As always, Tim McCarver makes complete sense [/sarcasm]

In the top of the 9th inning of last night's World Series game, Jimmy Rollins was hit by a pitch. It grazed his jersey, and as that does constitute getting hit by a pitch, he should've been awarded first base. Alas, he was not, and our... ahem, esteemed broadcasters Joe Buck and Tim McCarver replayed the pitch in question.

Upon said review, Tim McCarver remarked, "Not even close!" Ostensibly he was referring to the ump's incorrect call, but... well, that doesn't really seem like the right phrase to use when describing a pitch that actually DID hit a batter.

Friday, October 10, 2008

So... bendy

Man, does that look unnatural or what? Gotta love a boy who's flexible (and wins the opening game of the series)...

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Ebay is a smelly pirate hooker. That is the only explanation for why I lost the auction for something I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEEDED TO HAVE. FUCK!

Ok, outburst over. Now back to your regularly scheduled baseball and pop-cult discourse.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Welcome to Bizarro Baseball World

Things I never thought I would see:

A discussion of the "If the ball hits the catwalk" rules at Tropicana Field during the playoffs.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Congratulations on finally nailing down that 20th win, Mike. Now I can go wash the smelly shirt I wore out of superstition for your last 3 victories.

Seriously, it smells.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Some day we'll find it...

This article about Disney's latest attempt to re-popularize the Muppets was in the New York Times this past Sunday, but it went under the radar thanks to that whole Yankee Stadium closing thing. I've always loved the work of Jim Henson and long considered him an inspiration. My elementary school library had a biography of Jim Henson, which I borrowed so frequently that I can vividly remember the book's opening, a description of Henson's memorial service in New York City attended by Muppet-tie-wearing businessmen and Big Bird himself.

I know that the Muppets have attempted a few comebacks in the past that never really took off (which, disappointing), and I thought the article was interesting, even if I was somewhat put off by the amount of corporate-speak it contained. But the really alarming thing? 

And because the Muppets have been without a regular television gig for more than a decade, many children and younger teenagers don't know them. 
Ms. Breier said recent focus groups indicated that some children could not even identify Kermit and Miss Piggy, much less ancillary characters like Fozzie Bear and Gonzo the Great.

Ugh, really? This makes me sad. I blame Disney's new puppets, Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers. 

Monday, September 22, 2008

Johnny Damon and his penchant for breaking bats

If you've listened to Yankees broadcasts this season, you know that Michael Kay is fascinated by the number of bats that Johnny Damon breaks. Such fascination has caused him to utter such bon mots as "I wonder what would happen if Johnny Damon faced Mariano Rivera? You know, they both break so many bats..." (Uh, Michael? You may want to peruse this page.)

Anyway, in one of the many articles I read about what the Hall of Fame was taking from last night's game, Damon said he was donating the bat he used to smack what I'm sure he hoped would be the last home run hit in Yankee Stadium. Alas, that honor would go to Jose Molina - who's donating his spikes - and with regard to the bat Damon used?

[Johnny Damon] borrowed one from outfielder Xavier Nady because, as Damon told [Hall of Fame President Jeff] Idelson, "mine are all broken." 

Damon has been breaking bats at a record clip this year, so the bat on display from the home run will bear the name of another player.

"Xavier got a chuckle over that," Idelson said.

Heh heh. So did I.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

And THAT'S why you always wear a fitted hat

The day has come - and I agree with those who say it was too soon - for Yankee Stadium to hold its last game.

So much has been made about saying goodbye to the Stadium and all the memorable moments that have occurred within its walls, and of course I feel obligated to add my own most memorable moment, having seen my share of games there. Ultimately, it won't be seeing everyone's favorite mid-season callup Shelley Duncan hit two home runs*, or the Yanks-Sox game started by Joba and ended by Brett Gardner with a walk-off single, or sitting in the Stadium with a seemingly never-ending rain delay in effect the night before I took the SATs**. Admittedly, it's a bit more mundane than those.

It was September 2000, and I had arrived home from my first day of school to see my dad's car in the driveway. As far as I knew, he hadn't planned on taking a half day, and I was worried something might be wrong. Imagine my surprise when my sister greeted me at the door with Yankees tickets - we were going to the game that night. I quickly got changed and we headed out, keeping our fingers crossed for minimal traffic on our trek from North Jersey to the Bronx. On our previous trip to the Stadium, we sat on the George Washington Bridge for an hour and were hoping for a better result this time.

We remarkably arrived at the Stadium before game time, and made our way to the seats behind the Yankees dugout, where an usher diligently checked tickets and a waiter gave us the opportunity to overpay for chicken fingers delivered to our seats. Said seats were a far cry from the upper tier we found ourselves in the past few times we visited the stadium. My sister leaned over to me, barely able to control herself.

"Look who's sitting in front of us, two rows up."

The backs of the heads that I was staring at didn't immediately look familiar. But then it hit me.

"Oh my god," I whisper-shrieked to my sister. "Derek Jeter's parents. That's so cool!"

Perhaps this is not that exciting to you. But at 12 and 15 years old, my sister and I were, to steal a line from Bruce Springsteen, so young and in love with Derek, decorating our lockers at school with pictures of the Yankee shortstop (along with a few of his teammates) and swooning every time he came to bat. 

There was a lot to cheer about during that game. A strong performance from El Duque and offense entirely provided by home runs from the heart of the order - Paul O'Neill, Bernie Williams, and Tino Martinez. Eventual domination by Mariano Rivera. But first...

About halfway through the game, a player on the Twins fouled a ball back, a pop up that was coming right towards us. The crowd surged around us, people literally coming out of the woodwork, hands reached up to the sky, hips ready to box out anyone who might come between them and their little horsehide treasure. My dad held out his baseball cap and we watched the ball fall into the hat...

...with such force that it caused the adjustable plastic band in the back to open up and let the ball bounce out and roll under the seats in front of us. Despite a last ditch effort on my sister's part, the ball was grabbed by someone in the row in front of us as we all stared at the hat in disbelief. As did Dr. Jeter.

"What happened?" he asked my dad. My sister and I gave each other OH MY GOD looks.

"Geez," said my dad. "You know, I had it! It just..." and he gestured to the back of the hat. He was still in shock.

"That's too bad. Think you need a new hat," Dr. Jeter said with a kind smile, and turned around and returned to the game.

"Wow," said my dad to no one in particular.

A month later for his birthday, dad got a nice fitted Yankees cap. The foul ball, however, remains elusive, no matter how many games we attend...

*I know he didn't even hit .200 this season, but what can I say, I've got a soft spot for the big lug.
**Maybe if the Yankees actually won that game. Although I did ace the verbal section of the test anyway. And yes, I suppose in a way that these footnotes are a tribute to the late David Foster Wallace.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Pick a Ticket

My friends are counting on me to use my ticket mojo to grab some good seats for the Phillies game this weekend. And I know that Comcast Tickets has drops day of game (which I proved earlier by pulling up a pair of primo seats for tonight's game against the Marlins), but do I risk getting completely shut out of the game by waiting until Friday? Or should I go ahead and buy some less good, but slightly overpriced tickets off StubHub?

Dilemmas, dilemmas...

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


Matt Garza reacts after giving up a monster home run to Xavier Nady in last night's Yankees-Rays game.

Monday, September 01, 2008


Above: It is physically impossible to get Dippin' Dots at the stadium sans helmet.

On my way into Yankee Stadium yesterday, I tripped, fell, and stubbed my toe badly. The ticket-taker - or ticket-scanner, I suppose - immediately helped me up and asked if I was okay, which, other than my pride, I was. A scraped hand, a bruised knee, a slightly bloody toe - all minor injuries, and I enjoyed the game well enough after I limped to my seat. Heavy handedness aside, what a metaphor for the Yankees' season. Stumbling, stumbling, stumbling, and limping across the finish line. Another pitching prospect unable to get a win. Stranding runners in scoring position like it's going out of style. Our opening day starting pitcher, DH and catcher all spending significant time on the DL.

All that being said, barring a miracle comeback, this season seems to have been about the little victories. Watching Moose be surprisingly dominant after a horrid season and seeing him win on my birthday. Seeing Giambi sport the epitome of a "so bad it's good" mustache. Being there for a walk-off win against the Red Sox. Watching Joba's - albeit brief - starting career. Despite the fact that the Yanks lost today (and the fact that my undefeated streak this year went bye bye), it was a gorgeous day and an enjoyable game. Some of the highlights:
  • A guy sitting two rows in front of me wore a Carl Pavano t-shirt. This made my dad and I laugh uncontrollably and I compared it to seeing a unicorn. 
  • For the first time I can remember in all of my baseball-seeing days, I heard "Rosalita" played over the stadium PA. This made me practically giddy. The little things, people. The little things.
  • The 'Stache went yard! There were few offensive highlights, but this was a big one. I kind of want to write a fan letter to his mustache. He strikes me as the type of guy who'd be amused by it. 
  • When Xavier Nady gets a hit, they put up a cool comic-book style X-MAN graphic. He wields baseball bats and sports superhero-style muscles. Because I am nothing if not 11 years old inside, I find this AWESOME. I didn't think to snap a picture of this and now I'm on the lookout for one.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

The Mike Mussina Hall of Fame Page

So I think this page is fascinating because, well, I love the Moose and agree that he should be headed to the Hall. But holy shit, the color changing hyperlinks are a MIND FUCK! Like, seriously. I start reading and then all I can do is stare at the colors changing.

I went to the game today. More on that later.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Getting yanked around

You know that roller coaster at Great Adventure? The one with the super huge hill and then the majorly big drop and then all the less impressive bumps and hills and it's really long and then you get off and feel really dizzy and like you're going to puke and then you think why the hell did I go on this after I ate those chicken fingers and seriously am I really getting too old for roller coasters because I think I might be?


Sure, it may not be over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't sang yet, but... she's in the wings. Let's hold her off, boys. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Sad Panda

Can't handle my chronically underperforming baseball team or my chronically underperforming life. Ugh.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

End of Days

After hearing this quote during the Yankees post-game wrap - 

It's amazing. This is what I get paid to do, this is what I live for. This is all I really want, to go out there every fifth day and do my job.

 - I have to wonder. Where is the real Carl Pavano and who is inhabiting his body?

With Pavano at 1-0 on the season - and the apparent victim of a body-snatching alien - Apocalypse Threat Level: High.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

...and I feel fine

I've written before about signs of the apocalypse. But as dire as all of those were, somehow none seems more apocalyptic than this announcement from the Yankees.

This Saturday, the starting pitcher for the New York Yankees will be Carl Pavano.

If you have a bomb shelter, now would be a good time to make sure it's well-stocked with provisions.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

More Office, Please!

I'm a bit tired of NBC's overkill promotion for their new series My Own Worst Enemy. What I'm not tired of is the brilliant promo clips for The Office.

Michael on Beach Volleyball:

Jim invents a new Olympic sport:

Dwight and the Centathalon:


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Reservoir Bombers

So I saw this picture from this afternoon's Yankees beatdown of the Royals...
...and immediately thought of this shot, which I couldn't find exactly and had to screencap

Let's see: 
Jason Giambi is obviously Mr. Pink, the wisecracking loudmouth making inappropriate pop culture jokes and always good for a quote. Derek Jeter is Mr. White, the leader, the wise veteran. Bobby Abreu is Mr. Yellow, a brutal RBI assassin. And A-Rod? He's Mr. Orange. The guy everyone wants to like but, as it turns out, is playing for the other side. Cue "Little Green Bag" and imagine the Reservoir Dogs credits rolling...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Going for the Gold: Part IV

I suppose that should really be Part 8. As in, 8 gold medals. Damn.
Congrats, Michael. And I thank you and your delectable physique for making this year's Olympics far more interesting than I anticipated.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Getting Back to Your Roots

My blog, which I started in an attempt to collect my various pop-culture rants, has been a little light on the pop-culture lately, heavy instead on odes to the US Men's Olympic Swim Team and the chronicling of various voodoo rituals implemented in an effort to make the Yankees play better. To rectify that, 340 words devoted to The Hold Steady's excellent latest album, Stay Positive, which has been in heavy rotation on my iPod since purchasing it a few weeks ago. 

Very little press about The Hold Steady goes by without evoking Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. To be compared to the Boss certainly seems to set up high expectations, but if Bruce came of age listening to The Replacements, The Wild, the Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle is going to sound a lot like Stay Positive. Craig Finn's vocals are slightly more... shoutey than Bruce's - certainly a punk influence - but the loners and losers who inhabit his songs are the same ones roaming the Jersey Shore in the 70s - kids who just want to get out, to be anywhere but here, to figure out what the hell they're supposed to do with their lives while they work dead end jobs. And come on, if you're putting a saxophone solo in a rock song today, you owe a pretty big debt to Bruce and the Big Man.

But there are plenty of Springsteen tribute bands out there, and that's not a job for which The Hold Steady is applying. Sure, their love of classic rock shines brightly through every song they play, but they just wants to rock at a time when good old straight ahead rock and roll with thoughtful lyrics and loud guitars seems to be falling off the radar in favor of god knows what. "Sequestered in Memphis," a tune about a one night stand and a murder investigation, is far catchier than its macabre subject matter might indicate. The title track roars in with a triumphant organ fill and a grounded but optimistic POV on the scene. The entire album is one relentless guitar onslaught crammed with riff after riff of music that makes you feel alive again.

The Hold Steady are big enough now to get a full review in Entertainment Weekly (the July 18th issue, if you're curious, and a ringing endorsement). I'm not sure what this says about them, that they're just a few issues removed from a review of the new Jonas Brothers album. Hopefully it's a good thing. After all, if they're following in the footsteps of their idols, it did take a few albums before the world as a whole picked up on the genius of Springsteen.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Going for the Gold: Part III

I can has all three at once?
Ricky Berens, Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps. 
Go USA, indeed...
It's official, I love the Olympics...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

New toy! New toy!

Because running on the treadmill has caused me to nearly kill my iPod and nearly kill myself with my iPod, I opted to buy an iPod shuffle. Frankly, I think it's kind of awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I've spent the entire evening since returning from the mall clipping it to various parts of my t-shirt and jeans. 

This just in: I am a massive tool.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Going for the Gold: Part II

Oh my. I'll, uh, be in my room...

Going for the Gold

Are the Olympics making anyone else feel lazy and underachieving? I mean, I feel lazy and underachieving on a daily basis, but this really seems to exacerbate the issue.

On the flip side, they're also, um, making me incredibly horny. What can I say, I dig the boys in the pool. And how could you not, after that performance that Michael Phelps and company put on to win the 4x100 free relay last night? Now if you'll excuse me, NBCOlympics.com has put up a gallery of delectable swimmer abs and... I think I need some time to myself.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

The Moose gets no respect from FOX

The less said about the Yankees' last two games about the Angels, the better. But I have to mention this:

If you frequent Yankees.com/MLB.com, you may have seen that fans voted Mike Mussina the Clutch Player* for the month of July. It's nice that Moose is getting recognized for having a great season when he was thought to be done at this time last year. Let's not forget that many people surmised that he would be booted out of the rotation for the eventual rise of Joba Chamberlain the starter.

FOX broadcaster Thom Brenneman was absolutely disgusted with this. "I guess a lot of Yankee fans voted," he remarked disparagingly during the Yankees/Angels game, as he brought up CC Sabathia's stats and dissed the baseball-loving public for voting for Moose instead of CC.

Look, I get it. Neither FOX nor ESPN has any respect for the Yankees, because every saga needs a villain. But at a time when the Yankees have been desperate for good pitching, Mussina has stepped up and filled that need. If that's not clutch, I don't know what is. And come on, dude, give it up. It's a silly little award voted on by fans. CC Sabathia is likely going to get a HUUUUGE free agent payday come this offseason, so I think it'll be a pretty good consolation prize for losing the July Clutch Player of the Month award.

And come on. Give the Moose (who's also pretty funny) some props. He deserves it.

*I refuse to mention the sponsorship inherent in the name of this award.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Xtina hearts the X-Man

I really can't handle this right now, so instead let's talk about what a great acquisition Xavier Nady has been for the Yanks.
I was at the game on Sunday and he put on quite the show - going 4 for 5 including a home run with 6 RBI. Since becoming a Yankee, he's batting .382 with 7 extra base hits. As I type, YES is replaying his beauty of a diving catch from the bottom of the 6th in tonight's game. And because it can't be ignored: he looks fiiiine in pinstripes.

So kudos, Brian Cashman. It's still too early to say but this one has the potential to be up there with the David Justice and Bobby Abreu midseason acquisitions.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

I'll take creative answers for $200, Alex

The category on Jeopardy: Black & White
My sister, before seeing any of the answers: "Oooh! What is Derek Jeter!"

*smacks forehead*

Joba leaves with stiff right shoulder/Yankees.com

Oh fuck me.

Maybe Phil Hughes will ride in from Scranton on a big ass horse (a la Wade Boggs) and be our knight in shining armor. Maybe he'll bring Shelley "Team Cheerleader" Duncan with him... 

Monday, August 04, 2008

Requiem For the 'Stache

Yes, I'm sad to say the 'Stache is no more. In a way, I feel honored to have seen its last game in person.
Picture taken yesterday by yours truly.
The 'Stache was 0-3 with 2 walks.

So tonight we celebrate the 'Stache. Pour out a little Jack Daniels in its honor. And look forward to the future. The 'stache-less era has gotten off to a great start - in his two ABs so far in tonight's game, Giambi has an RBI single and a solo homer. 

And all is not lost: one mustache dies, and another is born. Michael Phelps, you rock.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Movies you should not pay for

You may think that Will Arnett can't sink any lower than Let's Go to Prison. You'd be wrong. Exhibit A: The Brothers Solomon. Thank goodness he parlayed the excellence that was G.O.B. Bluth into a primo reoccurring guest spot on current greatest comedy on TV 30 Rock...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dear Mr. Ramirez,

Adios mofo! We will not miss you "being Manny," except when it means you go up to bat against Mariano Rivera and decide not to take the bat off your shoulder. Also, we find it super ironic that once again, you are going to be Joe Torre's headache.

Enjoy LA.

Kindest Regards,
The New York Yankees and their fans

P.S. Mike Mussina wants to know where to send the thank you note.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Take that shift and shove it...

As a Yankees fan, I'll admit to having a rocky relationship with Jason Giambi, who has been with the team since 2002. He replaced Tino Martinez, then there was that whole steroids mess, then he just kind of sucked and always looked greasy. But in this season, a contract year for him, I confess that he's been one of my favorite parts of watching the Yanks (along with Moose's improbably successful season and the rise of Joba the Starter). There's the 'stache, of course, and then there's this little number from last night. 

The scene: Giambi has a base hit stolen away by the shift. In his next at bat, well, let's go to the tape:

Heh heh.

Bonus (for when the non-fun-loving bigwigs at MLB inevitably take down Giambi's little gesture):
The 'Stache talks about... the 'Stache

Oh Jason... it is ALL '70s porn star.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tramps like us...

A-frickin'-mazing show by Bruce and the E Streeters tonight. 

But for now, exhaustion. And disappointment at Moose's inability to to hold his former team in check for the 2nd time this season (albeit disappointment tempered by the Rays and Red Sox also losing... although that should be even more disappointing because it means we could have picked up a game on each if we won... oh fuck it, I'm going to bed). 

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Come on!

The national sports media has such a hard on for Yankees/Red Sox series that every time one comes around, the games get snatched up by Fox and ESPN. Which means that today's game is the Sunday Night Baseball game, which means it's on at the same time as the season premiere of Mad Men.

Not cool.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Ladies love Bats too!

One of the best parts of Friday afternoons has always been reading a just-arrived Entertainment Weekly. This week's issue featured a cover story on The Dark Knight, fairly unremarkable until I got to this passage:

Despite all of the records being shattered, perhaps the biggest revelation about The Dark Knight's opening weekend was who was sitting in the audience... A reported 48 percent of The Dark Knight's audience was female, and that number probably would have been even higher had so many women not flocked to Mamma Mia!

Whether they were drawn by the rubberneck curiosity surrounding Ledger's last fully realized performance or simply felt that this comic-book movie had something to say to them, too, The Dark Knight's audience represents a huge demographic shift for studio marketers to wrap their heads around.

As a female moviegoer who had The Dark Knight's release date marked on her calendar for some time (although considering the fact that it coincided with my birthday, it was pretty hard to forget), I'm kind of offended, not to mention confused, by these comments. 

To review: people out there think that a movie starring Christian Bale, sex object since the days of Newsies* (oh come on, he was 18 then!), Aaron Eckhart, who emerged as a smart woman's sex symbol in Thank You For Smoking, and Heath Ledger, who stole every teen girl's heart in 10 Things I Hate About You, isn't going to attract female viewers?

And this is Batman we're talking about here. He's not some obscure superhero from the 70s resurrected from the DC Comics vaults in the hopes of squeezing out a few more dollars from the comic book cash cow. He's a part of American culture and mythology.

The writer of this article - a dude, of course - surmises that women either went to see the movie because of all the hype surrounding Heath Ledger's death or because they thought it might "[have] something to say to them too." I'm not exactly sure what that latter reason means, but why can't a girl go see this movie because she, too, wants to go see a big ol' summer blockbuster? Are blockbusters not so because EVERYONE goes to see them? Last time I checked, women were included in "everyone." And it's not like this was a shitty summer blockbuster like Armageddon or Transformers. There's Oscar buzz for this movie and quality films appeal to people regardless of gender. No debate necessary.

Maybe my point of view is so hopelessly skewed when it comes to film that I'm talking out of my ass here, arguing for naut. But I don't think that's the case. Come on, Hollywood. Women love movies just as much as men. Stop acting shocked when we show up to see them.

*I admit I have an ironic appreciation for Newsies whereas everyone else my age seems to embrace it sincerely. But it's an appreciation nonetheless, right?

Friday, July 25, 2008

A social conscience gets me hot and bothered

Hot, talented, and he saves kitties. Lordy. Although, admittedly, the 0-12 in the series against the Mets is kind of a ladyboner-killer.

In more substantive news, thoughts on The Dark Knight and its monster opening weekend and The X-Files: I Want to Believe later. 

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Time to build a bomb shelter...

This just in from the signs of the apocalypse department:

1. MTV is remaking The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

This is so bizarre that I really don't know how to respond. Except with concern that the powers that be at the channel that ruined music might cast Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson as Brad and Janet. I shudder at the thought.

Although, I confess, I'd kind of like to see Jack Black play Eddie.

2. A Boston Globe columnist advocates the abolition of the "Yankees Suck" chant.

But I am a Red Sox fan, have been all my life, and so that means I don't like the Yankees. My two sons don't like the Yankees either. But here's the critical difference: I respect the Yankees, and I've taught my sons to do so, too. They are 14 and 11, love baseball, and know that Derek Jeter plays the game as well and as hard as anyone has. If I were picking sides in the schoolyard, Jeter is the guy I'd pick first.

Whoa. Logic and civility coming out of Boston. That did not happen in the 4 years I spent there...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear BigTimeBats.com...

Please stop making weird Yankee Stadium final season collectibles and advertising them on YES. It's a long season and I don't want to buy any of your weird collectibles. 

Also, if we could additionally do away with the Fox News commercials on YES, we'd be golden. However, all that would leave us with is the MHR Hair Restoration system...

Ah, the perils of the regional sports network.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Birthday Weekend = Epic Win

To review:

The Yankees sweep the A's (while the Red Sox get swept by the Angels) and I'm in attendance Friday night (that would be my birthday) to see the Moose pick up career victory number 262, a warm but enjoyable Saturday night on Broadway, and Sunday afternoon at the movies for the mind-blowing experience that is The Dark Knight.


Extra bonus awesome: Picking up the Hold Steady's new album. If you're a Bruce fan, you owe it to yourself to check out these guys.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

1 2 3 4

Somehow, through it all, Sesame Street has remained the coolest show on TV. Proof?

Yes, that's Feist. This show gets better musical guests than Jay Leno. [insert rim shot here]

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Awkward Joba Part 2: Not Awkward

Awwww. He cleans up so nice. And doesn't look awkward. And might even get the 'swoon-worthy' tag...

Joba at the All-Star Week Club 33 Party

Awkward Joba Chamberlain is Selling Me Coffee

Ricky Gervais is one of my comedy heroes. That being said, I feel a bit guilty that I've spent the last 6 months pouting about the fact that of the three shows he was doing in NYC, I managed to buy tickets to the only one that was the same day as the MLB All-Star Game. Apparently, I was deluded enough to think that I had a chance to get tickets to said game (which, now in the 13th inning, appears to be somewhat of a bust).

Anyway, Gervais was hilarious, brilliant, and a whole mess of other superlative adjectives. I can't really get into it now as I am needing sleep, but I have to share this. I had some time between the end of the show and my train home, so I found a Dunkin' Donuts and got an iced coffee. There, staring at me from the window of said Dunks (TM Nikki), was one Joba Chamberlain, in quite possibly one of the more awkward photos I've seen of him. So I started laughing uncontrollably (you know, it's not like I had spent the previous two hours laughing or anything) and said to my mom, "Oh look, awkward Joba Chamberlain is trying to sell me coffee." And this story is pretty lame. I think there was more to it at one point but alas... 

Monday, July 14, 2008

Derby, Part Deux

So... Justin Morneau? That's a bit shocking, considering the superhuman first round (and human interest story) Josh Hamilton had. Morneau looked like he almost felt guilty for winning. My boy Chase didn't make it past the first round but he still looked pretty good, so I guess it all evens out. Also, I think his f-bomb caught on national TV makes me love him more.

As excited as I am to see Ricky Gervais tomorrow night, I'm still a bit bummed to be missing the All-Star Game.

Back - back - back - GONE!

It's just about Home Run Derby time, which I'll be watching from the comfort of my couch rather than Yankee Stadium because, again, broke. Since the 'Stache decided not to participate,* I'm pulling for Chase Utley. If his sheer awesomeness doesn't make the ball jump off the bat and into the stands, the short porch in right field and the fact that he's a lefty might help. 

That being said, if Chase does manage to work his awesome in such a way, does that make him the Chuck Norris of baseball? 

*He was offered a spot but declined since he didn't make the All Star Team, and I can't say I blame him.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Take me out to the ballgame?

Does anyone have pity on a Yankees fan who can't afford StubHub prices and want to send her and her bestest best pal to the game on her birthday (7/18)? Or baring outright charity, a willingness to sell her seats at or near face value?

That's all I got. Yeah it's desperate but when the game's sold out and bleacher seats are starting at $50, what's a girl to do?

ETA: Goddammit! The Moose is pitching on my birthday and I still have no tickets. Boo.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

'Stache Bash

This afternoon, the Yankees managed their second 10 inning victory in three games. But more importantly, it was Mustache Day at the Stadium. To Support the 'Stache, obviously. Which led to this awesome moment before the game...
...a Moose-stache!

AND, this awesome moment after the game:
Yeah, he wore it for the whole post-game interview.

Fittingly, the 'Stache himself drove in one of the Yankees' 2 runs today. Go vote for him if you haven't already!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

The Mother-Effing 'Stache

At the game on Sunday night, the Yankees were heavily campaigning for fans to vote for Jason Giambi for the final spot on the All-Star Team. Their campaign slogan? 

Support the 'Stache.

Oh hell yes. Indeed, I've done my part and voted to support the 'stache. Unlike the initial All-Star Game vote, there's no limit to how many times you can vote. Or so I believe. It's not like in between my daily goings on I managed to vote nearly 100 times because Giambi's mustache has been the most hilarious thing ever. 

Oh, and I'm not alone. All hail the 'stache!

Monday, July 07, 2008

Extra Inning Heroics

Holy fucking shit. Is there anything more exciting than being at the Stadium for a Sunday night, 5-4, 10 inning victory over the Boston Red Sox? I think not. And the winning run, driven in by a rookie, off Papelbon, no less! I'm so amped up I'll never get to sleep tonight.

ETA: Manny strikes out on three straight pitches from Mo. Looking.

Win. Literally.

Sunday, July 06, 2008


How does the Moose not make the All-Star Team? 


Oh well, I'll be enjoying the comedy stylings of Ricky Gervais that night instead (tickets went on sale in November, how was I supposed to know it was the same day as the ASG).

Friday, July 04, 2008

Doing My Patriotic Duty

3 ways I celebrated this overcast, occasionally rainy Independence Day:
  1. Listened to Bruce Springsteen's "4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)," the beautifully poetic ode to a girl (what else?) and a warm Jersey Shore summer holiday.
  2. Watched Miracle, the Disney film about the 1980 US Olympic hockey team that made a lot of people proud to be Americans. The boys are "too pretty," as my dad noted while we watched it, but honestly, I can't find fault with that. USA all the way, indeed. Bonus BU alum pride included at no extra charge.
  3. Watched some of the American pastime, baseball. Of course, that's really no different from my typical daily routine, but it seems fitting for the 4th. Unfortunately it was a Yankees loss, but I'm going for a double dose and holding out hope for a Phillies victory over the Mets.
I highly recommend all three. Happy Independence Day, everyone!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

It's been a while...

Yeah, a hospital visit will do that to you. But I'm feeling infinitely better and ready to rejoin the world of the functioning.

Meanwhile, Stephanie won Top Chef (!), my boy Chase finally appears to have broken out of his slump with four hits last night and Joba to the rotation is looking like the greatest decision ever, no?

Monday, June 09, 2008

Saturday, June 07, 2008

My Hero

There was a guy at Yankee Stadium today with a sign that said 

"The Mustache: If you grow it, hits will come!"

And he was wearing a fake mustache. It could very well be true love, so dude, if you're out there, I'm single.

ETA: Speaking of true love, heros and mustaches... 
Johnny Damon shaved his, but managed to go 6 for 6 and in the process knock in both the game tying (8th inning) and game winning (9th inning) runs. Never thought I'd say this* but I've come to enjoy his presence on the team. His postgame interviews are my favorite.

*Except for the fact that I did 2 years ago. Ha.

There's always one...

I've recently been listening to a recording of Bruce Springsteen's May 7th benefit show for the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, NJ, where he played both Darkness on the Edge of Town and Born to Run in their entirety. The performance is phenomenal and I would have loved to attend, but with tickets starting at $500 and topping out well over $1,000, it just wasn't in the cards. Plus, it was the same night as Flight of the Conchords, and how many times in your life do you get 3rd row center seats for New Zealand's 4th most popular folk-parody group?

Bruce's show was apparently a success on all levels - he helped to raise $3 million for renovations to the theater and put on one hell of a show while doing so. But the most interesting thing about the recording is how, aurally, the show didn't seem that much different from your standard $95 + $20 in Ticketmaster convenience fees. Case in point: some guy, even knowing that "Thunder Road" was coming up (as Bruce had just finished Darkness on the Edge of Town and announced Born to Run was next), felt compelled to shout "ROSALITA!" at the top of his lungs, over and over again.

What is it they say about money buying class?

Friday, June 06, 2008

Mustache Twin Powers Activate!

The mustache triumphs over all. 

P.S. What is up with the Rays being such punks? Not that I'm defending the Red Sox, as they obviously have their own internal problems. Are they jealous that they lack a natural rival and are going around the AL East picking fights with the hopes that they'll create one?

Thursday, May 29, 2008

All hail the mother-effin' 'stache

Yes, it's the return of the mustache men!
"Actually, I've got a few more guys in this clubhouse -- Johnny Damon and Shelley [Duncan]," Giambi said. "Joba [Chamberlain] has even got one, even though he looks like a fifth grader with his. I even tried to talk [Derek] Jeter into it."

Derek Jeter + mustache = endless comedic potential . You know it.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why I Need a Real Job

I interrupt the regularly scheduled posting about baseball and movies to pose this question: Where HAVE these shoes been all my life?!?
From the totally awesome brand Irregular Choice
Must. Have.

RBI + Puppy + Hotness = Win

I was going to write a constructive post. About the Yankees going 5-1 over their last 6 games and Joba going to the rotation(!) and the Indiana Jones movie kind of ripping off the X-Files movie and how George Lucas wouldn't know a good script if it bit him in the ass and it was all going to tie together quite nicely.*

But then, I decided instead to post a picture of Chase Utley with a puppy, because tonight he went 3 for 6 with a homer, 6 RBI, 2 runs scored and of course, was super hot.

Unrelated, is anyone watching Last Comic Standing? I'm kind of in love with the tattooed guy from Arizona - he had me at the Walken impression. Seriously. Walken impressions are like an aphrodisiac to me. Yes, I know that's weird.

 *I still might write this.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Welcome to Bizarro World

Where the Yankees score a lot of runs off of one of the AL's best pitchers and beleaguered Barry Zito finally gets a victory. Proof of Zito's win (and his fine, fine ass) here.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Flight of the Conchords - Town Hall NYC, May 7

Not to brag or anything, but I've had a stellar run of luck lately with regard to concert tickets. My latest triumph: 3rd row center for Flight of the Conchords at Town Hall in NYC a week and a half ago.

I had been dying to see the Conchords - Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie - in concert ever since seeing their hilarious HBO show for the first time last summer. And as disappointed as I am that the TV show won't be back until January (blame the WGA strike), I suppose it did leave the boys some time to set up a little tour, and I can't complain about the awesomeness of that.

The show was a blast, better, even, than I was hoping. Very loose and fun, and the guys never took themselves too seriously. The setlist was a wrinkled piece of paper that the guys passed back and forth between themselves and they also shared a guitar pick. "We only have one," explained Jemaine, as he passed it to Bret, who then dropped it. Although the audience made many requests (more on that later), they only took one, which was Sellotape. They claimed to not have played it in over a year, but it sounded pretty good. And you've gotta love any song with a drum solo that is sung.

Other standouts were the two new tunes - one, a song with a chorus of Jemaine's ex-girlfriends (of course, sung by Bret), the other about "gettin' freaky," which Bret apparently was still learning and relied on a chord sheet perched precariously on his lap (unintentionally funny) - "Albi the Racist Dragon" (which was setlisted and when someone in the audience started calling out for it, Jemaine pointed to the setlist and said "Maybe later if you're good," or something along those lines), and "Bowie," which is probably my favorite Conchords song, due to my love of DB and desire to say "Wear the funky funky eyepatch, Bret," to people on a daily basis.

Although they ostensibly play themselves on the HBO show, the real Bret and Jemaine are much less awkward than their TV counterparts, and their good looks just don't seem to come through as well on TV as they do in person. Also different from the TV show: Murray does not exist, much to the disappointment of the many audience members who shouted such witty things as "Where's Murray?" to the boys on stage.

In addition to their attempts to summon Murray, the crowd clearly did not believe that this show would be a passive event. They shouted out requests constantly, especially when the guys were doing a bit of between-song banter, which was mildly irritating but not unexpected, especially with alcohol being served at the venue. Someone in the front row brought props to toss onstage for a good two-thirds of the songs, which was a bit overkill, in my opinion. Then there was the girl, sitting towards the back of the orchestra section, who decided to tell Bret that she would have his children during the intro to "Issues." All in all, it was a bit frustrating because the guys kept trying to shush the rowdy crowd and they weren't into shutting up at all. But the guys took it in stride and really put on a great show.

Apparently Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon were at the show (pictures @ brooklynvegan). I'm a bit sad I didn't see either of them - Bull Durham is way up on my all-time favorites list. I mean, I want to be Annie Savoy and screw Nuke LaLoosh! Doesn't every baseball-loving girl who's seen the movie?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Pass the brain bleach?

I don't even know what to say. When I first saw this headline (on Deadspin the other day), I really hoped it was thong sandals. Part of me thinks it's pretty funny that Giambi is secure enough with himself to divulge this in an interview but... it's not exactly a pleasant mental image. But Derek? Really? 

Although... "Pitchers need thongs too," is pretty fucking funny. Finding out Moose's whiteboard quote of the day has been one of the few consistently funny things about this season so far.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

No More Devil

At what point does it no longer become okay to say "I can't believe we lost to the Devil Rays! I mean, they're the Rays!" Because I think we may have reached it.

Goddamn stupid overachieving AL East.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Needless to say, I'm excited. I'll try my hardest to behave myself, being that, you know, I'm in the 3RD ROW

Saturday, May 03, 2008


We're not booing him, we're yelling Bruuuuuuuuuuce Mooooooooooose! Sorry, wrong aging-yet-still-relevant star, there.

Moose's line today:

6 IP, 7 hits, 1 run, 0 walks, 5 strikeouts 

And he struck out the side in the 6th! Let's give credit where credit is due, with the exception of Boston - and even then, really, with the exception of facing Manny Ramirez - Moose has been pretty good this season.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Barry Barry Bad

I so totally called this: After 0-6 start, Giants move $126M ace Zito to bullpen

I think he'll work it out; I mean the law of averages seems to suggest he will. He always was a bit schizophrenic - I remember him starting the season opener against the Yankees in '06 and giving up 7 runs over not even two innings, but later that year starting Game 1 of the ALDS against Minnesota and giving up 2 runs over 8 innings at the Metrodome against Johan Santana, a game that had been all but conceded to the Twins.

He'll never be that pitcher that won the Cy Young again - that year was a bit of an anomaly even when he was pitching well - but he's smart and, what can I say, I have faith in my hotties.

Monday, April 28, 2008


After watching tonight's Yankees game, I am convinced that backup infielder Morgan Ensberg


is actually the same person as


Alan "Steve the Pirate" Tudyk of Firefly and Dodgeball fame. Which would explain why I haven't seen Tudyk in any movies/TV shows lately and why Ensberg was was so funny in his post-game interview today. So congratulations Morgan Ensberg. You will officially be known as Steve the Pirate from here on out.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Road Trip Aftermath

Quote of the weekend:

"Look... more Canada!"

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Green Is Not a Primary Color

So yesterday, webmaster extroadinaire Karl Koch of weezer.com posted a few more tidbits about the band's upcoming album, including the cover photo and a press release about its release.
A screenshot of said press release is above (see the full-size thing here), and its description by Karl as "weird" is an understatement. 

I'm not incredibly well-versed in the writing of press releases, but I've read enough of them to know the basic format, and to know that typos and grammatical errors in something like this are completely unacceptable. And I'm pretty sure that most of them do not include links to Wikipedia. Or claim that green is a primary color.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sunday Night Baseball Follies

I was watching the Mets/Phillies (because, as previously noted, I'm in love with Chase Utley) game on ESPN tonight and caught this little gem regarding Jose Reyes.

Miller: He plays with such joie de vivre--
Morgan: I don't know what that means, but yeah, he has a lot of fun.

Oh Jon Miller and Joe Morgan, dumbly harmless when commenting on any old game, frustratingly biased against the Yankees. 

Speaking of fun, you know what else is fun? Watching Chase Utley go 3 for 3 with two home runs.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Put down the blade and step away from the ledge

This is why Pete Abraham of the Journal News is my favorite Yankees beat blogger:

Hughes is the second-youngest player in the majors and the youngest pitcher. Most of us were in college when we were 21 and trying to scrape enough money for beer. He's the No. 3 starter for the Yankees. How about giving him a break?

Do I really need to remind people that the Yankees were 14.5 games out of first place last May and were driving around in a van picking up starting pitchers from homeless shelters and bus stations?

It's funny 'cuz it's true.

And for the record, I agree that Phil Hughes has the potential to be an awesome starter. Just... not quite yet. As has been tossed around the interwebs, it got worse before it got better for this guy too, and things turned out pretty well for him. Fingers crossed.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Danny Federici 1950-2008

The E Street Band has lost a brother. Danny, you will be missed. I consider myself all the more lucky for the show I saw in Philadelphia back in October.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


New Weezer album June 24!
New single hearable now!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The All-Hottie Baseball Team: A Study in Pictures

Sometimes, when my bestest best pal Olie and I are bored (which is frequently), we daydream of living on a private island surrounded by tons of hot boys. Being baseball fans (although our allegiances lie with different teams), it's obvious that the island would have its own baseball team, comprised of the best and hottest there is. So come gaze upon the spectacle that is the 2008 All-Hottie Baseball Team.

Joe Mauer (MIN)
The man, the myth, the sideburns.

Mark Teixeira (ATL)
Representing the ATL.

Chase Utley (PHI)
Mmm... I like a boy who plays dirty.

Derek Jeter (NYY)
You never forget your first. Baseball crush, that is.

David Wright (NYM)
So cute and innocent-looking.

Bonus! Left side of the infield bonding!
(Link, 'cuz it's a big picture)

Grady Sizemore (CLE)
Grady Sizemore makes me happy that baseball pants are so tight.
(See for yourself)

Xavier Nady (PIT)
From the Pittsburgh Pirates... who knew?!

Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS)
It hurts my heart that he's on the Red Sox, but he's just too adorable, and we don't discriminate here at the All-Hottie Team.

Robinson Cano (NYY) - INF
Don't be sad, Robbie! You're only on the bench because I felt guilty about stacking the starting lineup with Yankees.

Eric Chavez (OAK) - INF
He's cute, but he gets injured a lot (and is on the DL as I type). So we'll keep him on the bench where, if nothing else, he can look pretty.

Jeff Francoeur (ATL) - OF
A disciple of the David Wright school of dorky and adorable.

Javy Lopez - C
He didn't make it with the Braves this year, but there's room for Javy on this team!

Starting Pitchers:
Andy Pettitte (NYY)
Andy is dandy. It's the 'take-no-prisoners' glare peeking out between his hat brim and the top of his glove.
Mmm... yes.

Cole Hamels (PHI)
The Phillies have a really good-looking team. How does this happen to a town that booed Santa Claus?

Johan Santana (NYM)
Don' look surprised, Johan, you know you're hot stuff!

Dan Haren (ARI)
He's pitching for the Diamondbacks now, but used to play for the A's, a hotbed of... hotties. If there were ever a team for which to be a real-life Annie Savoy, the A's would be it.

Mike Mussina (NYY)
Dammit, it's my team and I'll put my favorite old guy on it if I want! Besides, every pitching staff needs a mentor and you've gotta admit, Moose still looks good.
Yes, Michael Kay, you fucking idiot, I know they're yelling "Moose" and not booing me.

Joba Chamberlain (NYY)
So maybe he's not a hottie in the traditional sense. Don't care. Strikeouts are sexy. And he fucking dominates. Tell me you're not interested.
And tell me you don't think he's adorable as the Cowardly Lion during last year's Yankees rookie hazing.

Ross Ohlendorf (NYY)
He has the distinction of being one of the few players whose bio page picture doesn't look like it was taken at the DMV. Which is good because he's so green, there are barely any pictures of him floating around. Bonus points for vaguely resembling John Krasinski.

Barry Zito (SFG)
My ERA is going to be this many!
He's not the pitcher he used to be but let's be honest, he's too hot to not be on this list. He can still get the ball over the plate, which, when your starter totally chokes in the 2nd inning, is necessary sometimes. So what the hell, Barry Zito, you're a long reliever now. It was either that or team mascot, and you deserved a bit more dignity than that.

Joe Nathan (MIN)
The facial hair is questionable, but yeah, we like those boys that throw hard. There's a 'that's what she said' joke in there somewhere.

Huston Street (OAK)
Does anyone else think he has a porn star name? 'Cause here's a porn star-esque pose to accompany it. Not that I'm complaining...
This one was just too hot not to include.

Tino Martinez
One of this writer's favorite retired hotties, and the perfect skipper for this team. Also, an excuse to throw in another picture of Derek Jeter.